movie cups

Ok, so I'm at a movie theatre today and I decide i'm gonna grab something to drink. Well my girlfriend went and got the refreshments and she got a large soda. I kind of thought a medium would suffice, but whatever. So I grab the cup...and the dang thing almost slides out of my hand. I don't know what kind of material they're making these cups out of these days, but I'll tell you what it reminded me of. Maybe you've seen these little novelty toyesque items that are round cylandrical shaped and contain fluid with like a spring inside, so that there's pretty much no way to hold the thing for more than a milisecond. Well I'm pretty sure that's exactly what this cup was made of. Let's evaluate this cup on all levels eh? So you got this cup that holds precisely ten gallons of soda all with a flimsy dinky plastic lid. Basically if you try to grab this full cup from the lid you're basically trusting this little plastic top to hold close to a metric ton of soda. That itself is ridiculous in my mind. Now on top of all that, you have this cup that feels like it's just been rolling around in penzoil. I mean why and who thought this was gonna me a really good idea? The only explanation I can think of is that this is somekind of a plan to sell soda, you now that eventually somebody is gonna go for a drink and end up with a lapfull. So you go back for a refill. Ok you got your refill maybe you dump it again or maybe you successfully drink it all.....which is an impressive feat on it's own...and say you go back for a refill...may god have mercy on your bladder...and all of a sudden you realize the free refills of the past are now limited to only one refill....but wait you already technically got a refill, yeah, and now it's over, you're done, no more soda for you butterfingers, you gotta pay up for a tasty tidbit of caffinated fun. All because of the slick cups. I curse thee evil corporate theatre chains, you're all evil geniuses that find the slyest ways to pick our pocket and serve addictingly buttery popcorn that is of course the devil. Curses.

130 %

Right....picked up a bottle of that new dole orange juice the other day.. guess what, they've done now. Don't ask me how..don't ask me why...don't ask me anything, but somehow somebody figured out how to put more vitamin c into orange juice. Now I'm sorry...once you reach 100% I'm kind of thinking that you've made it...nope not for dole...These guys have 130% vitamin C in their orange juice...How do you get more then one hundred percent of anything into anything...did they like remove some of the orange juice and then drop in some vitamin C tablets and let them disolve....well according to the label, probably not since it's not only one hundred thirty percent vitamin C enhanced, but it's 100% pure orange juice. Now I would be forced to believe that if it's all orange juice then there's no way that there could be more vitamin C in there then any other orange juice, it just makes no sense...I mean shouldn't all pure orange juice have the same content of vitamin C???..you think they like put their oranges on some kind of steroids?...like some kind of super oranges..maybe they're cloning oranges now and altering the vitamin C in it..hmm..interesting. And you know what else? why stop at 130% of vitamin C...why not go all out...blow peoples minds..put in 300% vitamin C..yeah i'm talking dangerous levels here..i'm talking the crack cocaine version of orange juice..let it all out..no holds barred my friends. Yeah, now that's how I want my orange juice..oh and maybe it could glow or something something.I don't know...hmmm instead of like using electricity you could just be able to like run cities power needs off like orchards of orange trees...wow.

Watch your step

Ok so in this local pizza place there's is this sign that says watch step.... the amusing thing in my opinion is that the sign is directly above the conspicuously hiding step...what a freaking brilliant idea. Instead of putting the sign like a foot before the step they put it in the exact place of the step. Now by the time it's way to late to take warning of the sign, oh yes that's right your on your back wondering where it all went wrong, now you know it's possible to act like nothing happened when you stumble or something, but for the love of god these are no small steps, you'll be lucky to even get up after a fall like that, oh well stupid people will have stupid ideas I suppose.And I will be here to make fun of them

Sporks of the world unite!!!!

You think the inventor of the Spork is pissed off? I sure as do. I mean you look at every other eating utensil and you'll find it in silver and other fancy metals in fancy dinner sets...but no spork, oh no the only way you'll find a spork is wrapped in a lovely plastic baggie in all it's plastic glory. I mean that's bull, it's like the spork is like that clear Pepsi they tried out not too long ago...I mean yeah whoopdeedoo, it was nice at first, but nobody ever said, "hmm, I could sure use some clear Pepsi" such is the spork, nobody ever says..."yeah I could use the fork and the spoon in variating patterns. But why when I have the super little time saving Spork!!!! Wonder who invented the spork, I bet my now he's a pissed off senile old man who mumbles repeatedly about how the spork will someday rise to be equal with all other eating utensils.... or maybe not.

Mall walkers

What the hell is up with mall walkers, I mean come on now it's ok to exercise, but christ these people walk like somebody is chasing them with a machete, I mean for the love of god, do they realize that not everyone in the mall is their to burn fat, I mean one time I almost literally got run over by a large mall walker, I mean I guess I can understand, I mean momentum and all, once something gets going that fast�.which is large, it's like a train, you hit the brakes but it ain't gonna be a dead stop. I was walking towards an exit and all of a sudden i heard those step....or stomps as the case may be, anyways, I'm like o.k. no biggie somebody walking...keep in mind the mall is not crowded at this moment and this person has a good ten feet of clearance on both sides of me, however they feel it is imperative to walk on the identical path as me. Maybe they need lanes in the mall...I mean it's somewhat of a high ceiling I say we put a freaking catwalk about ten feet high and let all the dangerous mall walkers go crazy, and leave us poor shoppers alone. I was scared...so.... so scared. Oh well.

If you're not Dreamworks don't even try it

You know what gets me...yeah didn't think so...anyways, let me present a scenario. You're sitting down be it at home or at a theatre waiting to watch a movie, and before the movie starts you always have the movie makers little logo thingy time...like there's one with a horse that runs up, or one with lightning. I mean these are ok, because they're neat. However you get some companies that have like a three letter abbreviation, and these companies feel they must make a stirring reveling introduction of these letters, I mean for the love of god, who cares, it's three letters, show the damned letters and get the show on the road. But...NOOOOOO, it takes like five minutes, first of all a mystic L appears from the blackened sky and then...and then the ominous M miraculously presents itself from the hands of god himself, and then by way of a chariot of fire pulled my golden dragons, a B joins the L and M. I mean, dang, this isn't a monumental event or anything, its three freaking letters, just show the letters and get on with it. Hopefully you have somewhat of a clue what I'm talking about...While I'm thinking about movies and what no do you remember how at the beginning of movies in the Kerasotes Theatres they used to have like a little segment where they'd say "blah blah blah, refreshments are available, please be quiet during the movie, and some other silly things, well why don't they do that anymore? I mean did they just give up on the whole idea, is it ok now to put your feet up on the chairs of the rows in front of you, is it...kosher, to yell and scream for no apparent reason, I just don't know. But you know what I miss most about that part...the little part where all the employees are lined up and they do this little jump thingy, I'd love to go up to the employees, and be like.... um...yeah�. you know that little jump thingy.... DO IT NOW!!! Then again I'm all messed up.

No ma'am it's in aisle 14

I think old senile people are some of the most amusing things on earth, now before you start labeling me as a mean person let me explain. In my experiences some old people just need a reason to be pissed off...anything will do...it's cloudy...pissed off.... someone says have a nice day instead of thanks for shopping here...pissed off... One of my personal favorites is the old people in a grocery store now this next thing has happened to me more then once. Once being a stocker, as you all probably know, I was asked where things were alot in the store. Now several older individuals have asked me where the bread is...and I'll be damned if every time they ask they're as far away from the bread as humanly possible. So while answering their question in aisle one I nicely explain it is aisle fourteen...the very last aisle. Now's where the fun begins, the old person always gets pissed because the bread is sooo far away, and then they usually mutter something about how we keep on moving it. I mean for the love of god, we don't move it for at least four years it's been where it is now. I mean it's not like we secretly switch aisle around just to piss people off...although that would be fun. Then other times people will question my knowledge of where stuff is at in the store. I mean they'll tell me something's not where I say it is...let me tell you there is no greater satisfaction then when you lead them right to whatever they were looking for and politely say they must have missed it when the whole time it was right in front of their noses. About nine out of ten times the customer will act like they don't need it after all and then as I start to walk away I can see them quickly grab it suspiciously and meander off. O.k. I think I'm done now

Delicious four letter words

There is a Jello product called Flan...now maybe it's me, but does that really sound appetizing "Hey kids eat all your dinner, or else no flan for you". In all honesty it looks pretty decent, actually very good, however the name just kills it. Flan, let's analyze this word... Flan, sound like Flam...mmm yummy. Flan with the exception of MEAT 4-letter words in food, is not a good thing take for instance...oh I don't know, maybe SPAM. However flan does sound like the perfect dessert to a nice hearty meal of Spam. I can almost here the phrase "Sam I am" being thrown into a conversation at that table.

Watch them Wheaties

At my job there are boxes of things such as napkins and paper towels.... stuff that requires caution when opening, to avoid hurting the product. Alot of cereal boxes have this. Anyways, as a warning sign there will usually be a little box cutter, (a very small device containing a razor blade to enable stockers to open boxes easily), with a giant X over it...similar to that of a no-smoking sign. Well, recently one of my managers pointed out something amusing...instead of a small box cutter with a X through it there was this huge freaking knife...I mean crocodile Dundee would have been proud to carry this thing. We all started laughing immediately. I don't know how other people run stores, but at the store I work at, No one uses a machete to get into a box of cereal...we only use the machetes on the really annoying customer...er...uh...I mean to crush boxes...uh...yeah...that's what I mean...yup.

Carefull about the trash your eating

One of my favorite little things is to see a non-edible emblem on a garbage can. I can kind of see this if the trashcan was out on the street...but the one that I reminisce about resides in a grocery stores break room. Let's see, where do I begin...O.k. number one who the hell is gonna eat something that is in the trash can...number two, why doesn't the trash can specify that the stuff inside the can in edible, I mean do the makers expect people to think "oh no, it's inedible, I guess no plastic trash cans for me today...ah shucks". In all fairness if there is an emblem that says inedible...shouldn�t there be one that says edible? I mean in all fairness...just in case you were hungry� really hungry and intended on digging in to a nice garbage can of mystery lunch."Hey John, don't go eating out of that trash can can't you read it says inedible...eat out of this one the one that says it is edible."

Cop car sirens

Cop cars have to be the most annoying sound in the world. I remember when a simple siren would suffice, well it seems those days are over. Anymore you'll hear what sounds like a reggae perfomer on heroin. You have all kinds of squeaks and squaks, then it sounds like damned machine gun fire. What is wrong with the old classic sirens? Perhaps cops decided, "Well the sound of our cars is just so annoying that perhaps crime will decrease in an attempt to avoid hearing this most irritating sound". I think criminals in jail should be forced to listen to the sirens for like 2hrs straight a day. Now that would either correct their problems...or you know...make them psychotic, either way. As long as somebody has a little fun I suppose.

Are deer chainsmokers?

What is the big need for camouflage lighters...they make them, but come on in all honesty if you hunt or need to be camouflaged alot, why would you have camo on the lighter, I mean when's the last time you heard a hunter talking about how he scared the animal away because of his non-camouflaged lighter. Plus, it would be quite hard to find the lighter if you dropped it...wrong I tell you camouflage is wrong for lighters. On a related note, WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WHEN YOU'RE HUNTING? I mean i'm not much of a hunter, but i always thought that people wanted to disguies the human scent. I mean hunters practically bathe in deer urine to get that lovely deer scent that for some unknown reason Calvin Kleine passed up. Then again, maybe deer are heavy smokers in during hunting season. I mean come on, if anybody ever needed a reason to be stressed, I imagine all kinds of people hiding in trees bathing in your urine to hide from you..all while trying to snipe you butt would be a pretty good reason to need a cigarette now and again. I mean only then could I understand a hunter smoking. I mean a deer would smell that and come running up in the direction of a hidden hunter all like...Can I bum a cigare...AAHHHH! So in conclusion chain smoking deer might be the only reason for camoflaged lighters.

The story of the iced latte

Why is coffee so hot? I wish I knew. Out of all drinks to be made boiling hot why coffee. The most frequent coffee drinker is usually someone who is waking up early in the morning. Is it really an intelligent idea to give someone who is still drowsy flavored boiling water? I'm thinking no. I'll tell you who is a genious however, the person who thought about iced coffee. Brilliant,brilliant I say. You know what I bet happened somebody spilled their starbucks all over them and needed something cold...now bare with me here cause it's gonna get a little weird...then they happen to be at a ice slushi machine right...however, this machina hadn't yet flavored the crushed ice, so the person while freaking out about the scolding hot coffee grabs the ice dumps it all over them to soothe the burning sensation. And in a totally coincidental incident a truck carrying cool whip explodes two block over. So here we have the coffee soaked ice covered individual looking is shock as a giant glob of whip creme falls on top of the coffee, and crushed ice. In a moment of perfect clairvoiance the person slowly scoop up a small portion of this strange contraption onto their index finger in a moment of curiousity that would soon change the world. The person tasted the contraption. Two smacks of the lips later....BRILLIANT! It was delicious! Yeah, i'm guessing thats how it happened, I don't have a true account with witnesses...but it sure sounds like a cool story huh? And you know what the kicker was the person who discovered the caffineated deligh was named......Buck Star. Amazing huh?

How important is the tone of a squeek toy to a dog?

Another recent true work story: It's 7a.m. and I'm finishing up night crews job of stocking stuff in the pet food aisle...for this reason I wasn't very happy. Then this old lady comes up and begins testing squeak toys for dogs. I'm thinking o.k. So she's seeing what it sounds like...Well ten toys later I had to leave the aisle before I did bad things. Christ they're all the same...it's the same damn squeak as the one before, no dog gives a damn what kind of squeak it is, just as long as it squeaks. Then again, maybe it is a classy dog, like those once that play poker in the picture. I can see the dog now..."The toy is nice but dang, you gotta do something about the tone, it's all wrong, a chicken's squeak is much deeper the that, I mean come on I know these things, I'm a dog."

Is there a mouse in the milk?

True story: One day when I was "behind the wall" in the dairy department filling milk I nearly scared the poo out of an old lady...the reason being, I was wearing these gray gloves. And "naturally" she thought my hand was a mouse. Now maybe every mouse I've ever encountered just likes tropical climates...but does anyone know of mice that enjoy being in a refrigerated area....or any mouse that could survive in a refrigerated area. So here i am apologizing to and old lady for wearing gloves in a cold are doing my job. This might now have been that bad if i was on the same side of the wall as her, but being behind the wall talking through a noisy small opening, it was pretty much a lost cause. I mean I could totally see her thinking that she had an encounter with a talking mouse. Imagine this old woman spreading the word about how she had a conversation with the mouse the lives behind the wall where the milk is in the dairy department. The poor lady would be put away and heavily medicated. Sometimes I think it would be kind of funny to dress up in a bear costume and fill the milk and just wave at people that would happen to notice me..that'd really make you wonder what was in you drink huh?

Would a cow eat it's own cheese?

Would a cow eat it's own cheese? Seriously though, I mean a cow when born drinks it's mothers milk. So would a cow eat it's own cheese created from its own milk. I ponder this much more often the I should probably. Would a cow willingly eat the cheese, and what would it think about it's own cheese? If it tasted delicious would the cow develop a superiority complex and claim that they make the best dang cheese out there? Would it brag to all the other cows all like...."Hey Frank, have you tried that cheese?...Oh you have huh?....it's delicious?...Wow you don't say...Well Guess what Frank, That's ALL me that my cheese mo'freaky, I'm the cheese master!...You can't come close to making the prime grade A cheese like me!" Well maybe a cow wouldn't go into such depth, but still you never know. On the flip side however, what if a cow tasted it's own cheese and well, didn't like it at all. Imagine that conversation..."Oh man, this is horrible, who created this putrid contraption?....Me?...No, i didn't make that....no really I couldn't have made tha....huh..what..it's made from my milk....are you kidding me? Oh man what's wrong with my milk?....does it really smell that bad?....why didn't some one tell me..WHY!!!!" I mean that poor cow, it would have no self confidence anymore, probably end up walkin into McDonalds with a knife to it's belly. I'll tell you what though, I like cheese, I really do, So listen cows, in my book your A O.K. keep producing that sweet milk that goes into that tasty cheese.. MMM MMM Good.

Instructions for cat food

Next time you�re in the pet food aisle of a store check the Whiskas canned cat food. There is a good chance you will see instructions on how to open the pop-top lid...maybe it's me, but isn't that really freaking pathetic? If you can't figure that one out, how did you get to the store in the first place? I mean come on it's not rocket science. I'm pretty sure people have been making flip and pull lids for a dang good long while. just seems kind of pointlesss to me

Construction Vehicles for Sale

One time on my way home from a trip we passed a construction site, and to my amazement there was a gigantic piece of machinery called an earthmover on sale right there by the road. Frankly I had no urge to yell stop the car, that's just what I always wanted a gigantic piece of machinery I would never use...shouldn't it be advertised in a construction magazine, and not on the side of a highway? And another thing, why would a construction company sell a big thing like that, I mean there's got to be something wrong with it.